Completely lost

It's a long one but I'll try not to ramble and just give facts.

backstory: today is our 3rd anniversary. We've been together for 8 years. The first 4 years of that being long distance due to me being stationed on the opposite coast and being deployed. I have experienced some things that I did not deal with in a healthy way and it caused major strain on our relationship. It became hard for me to show love and affection to my wife. I was depriving her of the emotional connection she wanted from me. But she always stuck it out.

Fast forward to 2014. Married, bought a house and found out she was pregnant, in that order, all within 2 months. Relationship still under strain due to emotional neglect from me.

Fast forward to one week ago. She finally had enough and was tired of being unhappy. She asked for a divorce. I understood why she wanted one but I could not agree to it because I love her, I just have a hard time showing it. I asked her for one last chance. For me to prove I can show her the love I really felt for her and to make her happy. She agreed. And I made sure that she was committed to giving me another chance.

Discovery and behavior change: For the last month or so she has started going out every weekend with 2 of her friends. I wasn't super comfortable with this because of the type of people her friends were, the drastic increase in the amount she was going out and the times she would return home (3am) I let her know how I felt, but she assured me she wasn't doing anything wrong.

Present: 4 days after we had our talk about giving it one more shot, she goes back out to the bar. When she returns early that morning I wait for her to go to bed and look through her purse. There I find her wedding and engagement rings. I confront her about it in the morning and she assured me that she took them off because they were loose. I didn't believe her and I pressed her to tell me the truth. She finally said she would take them off when she went out to appear single so she would get attention from other men. I asked how far that went and she again assured me that it was nothing other than a few free drinks and conversation. I still had an uneasy feeling. The following day I took her phone while she was sleeping, used her thumb to bypass the lock, and looked through it. Text messages all deleted. No incriminating pictures. But I opened the deleted pictures file and found screenshots of conversations she was having with her friend she would go out with. But it was obvious after reading them that it wasn't her. It was a man. I asked her the following morning if there was anything she needed to tell me. She lied again. I told her I know. I showed her the conversations that I had taken pictures of. She then said it was only an emotional connection. That they would just talk about everyday things. Which is all I saw on the few screenshots. I asked to see her phone because I again didn't believe her. I filed through it more thoroughly and found sexual messages from the same conversation. She lied. Again. I asked if she was sexting him while I was home with her. In the same room. Or laying in bed. She said no. I looked at the time on the pictures of the messages. She lied. Again.

After having a few lengthy conversations, She seems genuinely sorry and feels guilty. After all, we are married, we do have a child. I do work my ass off so she can stay home. I provide for her. And all I asked was for her to be honest with me and she wasn't. About anything. She told me nothing that I didn't already know or find out.

I hate that all of this happened. But I love her and I want to move past all this. I just don't know how or if I can. I don't know if I can ever trust her again or if I even trust her now when she says that she hasn't done anything more than what I know about. We are going to try to talk to a therapist to get some guidance. I just have no one to talk to about this because if I were to tell my family or friends, I fear they would never forgive her and if we end up making this work, I wouldn't want them to resent her.

submitted by /u/supernaw1
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